Time after time…

I’ve spent the last couple of decades dealing with one medical issue after another. I’ve stayed positive. I’ve been strong. I’ve taken my pills, eaten my peas, given my blood, and submitted to every test, treatment, and diagnosis that has been thrown at me. I’ve pushed, I’ve forged ahead, I’ve taken every setback, and I’ve played through the pain. For those I love, I’ve tried so hard for so long to be tough, to not cry, to not let it show. I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being sick. I can’t fake it anymore. I just can’t.

I know that giving up is taking the easy way out. I know that it’s weak. I know that it’s selfish. But I have smiled and laughed through excruciating pain and fear for long enough. I’m sick. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My doctors, try as they might, can’t seem to figure it all out, either. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t know how much worse things are going to get. I don’t know what to expect next. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m tired of the pain, and I’m tired of the fear. I’ve been strong for long enough. I’ve kept up appearances for long enough. I can’t do it anymore. I have nothing else left to give the fight right now.

It’s my turn to be weak, to fall apart, and to be allowed to feel, honestly and without shame, how I feel. It’s my turn to cry, to pull my hair, and to ask you for your strength. I need you to be strong for me. I don’t need you to tell me that it’s all going to be okay. I don’t need you to tell me to buck up. I don’t need you to tell me to just keep hoping, keep praying, and have faith. I need you to tell me that I’m allowed to feel this way. I need you to tell me that it’s okay for me break down and fall apart.

If you’re not willing to see me through this, or if you just don’t care, just leave now. Spare me the empty sentiments and the feigned concern. Spare me the theatrics and the pity. I don’t need it. What I need is to be allowed to be human. Just this once, let me be scared, sick, and in pain… And just promise me that, no matter what, you’ll still love me, and you won’t leave.

Another medical update, slightly overdue.

In the past 4 weeks, I’ve had a few appointments and some changes. Here’s a quick update for those of you who care:

Endocrinologist appointment on the 26th of January resulted in me taking a higher dose of thyroid medication, which was already covered.

I went to my primary care physician on February 12th about some other problems (which I will not go into here, just because they’re a little too personal for me to plaster all over the intarwebz) and she’s working with me to try and resolve those. I started 2 more daily medications (between 2 and 7 more pills daily) to try and help with those issues. That brings me up to 4-9 pills daily. Yee haw. One of the new meds has the lovely side effect of exacerbating migraine headaches in patients with a history of migraines. I took the first dose of that medication on Sunday morning, and guess what happened Monday! I got one hell of a migraine.

Now, it’s possible that this is purely coincidental, considering I had only taken one dose of the med. However, this migraine was still going strong yesterday. So back to the doctor I went. We discussed the possibility of the new med causing this headache to happen and be as bad as it was, and decided that we’re gonna try to keep me on the new medication and see how things go. In the meantime, she gave me a shot of demerol (a nice pain medication) and phenergan (an anti-nausea medication) to try and kill the migraine and get me a little relief. She also prescribed me fioricet (which is a tablet that combines a barbiturate, acetominophen, and caffeine) to take when I have migraines, along with a prescription for phenergan (as I said earlier, for the nausea associated with the migraine and the medications). So now I’m on even more pills. Yippee! </sarcasm> (Note: I still have the migraine.)

I go back to see her on Tuesday for an exam and a tetanus shot (yay!) and hopefully won’t get any bad news. Still waiting on results from some bloodwork she ordered from me on February 12th, so we’ll see what happens!

Thanks again to those of you who care enough to read this. I <3 you guys!

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”

There are far too many fake people in this world. I’m finding more and more of them every day in my life. I don’t know why these people pretend to be friends with me or anyone else. I don’t know why they feel the need to spout off Hallmark-esque sentiments with hollow voices, empty heads, and worthless hearts. I don’t have time for fake people in my life. I don’t have the energy to deal with their bullshit drama and their feigned concerns. I have no desire to listen to their meaningless words coming from their forked tongues. And, as such, I will make this statement:

If you do not truly consider me as a friend, if you do not value my presence in your life in any way, if I do not mean anything to you, if you would not miss me if I were gone, then please, stop faking it. I couldn’t give a shit less. You are not that important. No one is important enough for me to dispose of my dignity just to be able to drop their name or hear their voice. I love my friends with every fiber of my being. I would do anything in my power to help, care for, protect, and honor them. If you don’t care about me, then stop wasting my damned time. There’s no place in my heart for those of you who pretend you’re there for me. And, to put it bluntly, I don’t give a damn. The love, devotion, loyalty, and concern I feel for each and every fake person among you could be better spent on those who are true.

Make no mistakes about it– it will NOT hurt me for you to say you don’t want me around. It will not cause me to lose a single second of sleep. I will not shed a single tear over you. I will not allow myself to be affected in any way whatsoever by your lack of gratitude, concern, emotion, or love. You are not worth it. There are plenty of people in my life who love me and care for me. You are worthless if you’re just pretending. And you’re wasting your time as well as mine. I don’t know how much time I have left on this earth, but rest assured that I will not be wasting a single moment on those of you who aren’t deserving of it.

If you’re squirming in your seat right now, if you’re offended because you think I might be talking about you, then that’s your guilty conscience talking. Perhaps it means you need to do some serious soul-searching and be honest with yourself and those around you, including me.

To those of you who are not offended or nervous, you probably don’t even need to worry about this post. I’m most likely not talking to or about you.

Figure it out, make your decision, and get over yourself. I’m already over you.

<3