I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t. I’m almost certain that it’s going to kill me if I even try.
I’ve smiled pretty for you. I’ve practiced my lines so many times so that I could recite them flawlessly, eloquently, with the poise and vapid despair that you helped to create within me. I tried so hard to remove from myself every flaw you perceived in me. I strived to become the person you all said I should be. My heart broke every time you told me it wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good enough. I wept every time you pushed me away. I felt my world fall to pieces every time you turned your back and walked out on me because I didn’t measure up. Don’t you know the only damned thing that I ever wanted was to hear you say that you loved me? Everything I’ve ever done was to make you love me, to make you proud! And for what?! I studied. I did my hair. I dressed up. I had the friends you wanted for me. I wore the makeup to look so perfect for you. Was I too stupid? Too unpopular? Too ugly? What did I do to wrong you? Where did I fall short?
I’m done trying to please you – any of you – anymore. All it ever brought me was misery, pain, fear, and disappointment. Twenty-nine years is too long. I’m not going to be the person you want me to be anymore. I never was. No matter how hard I tried, it was never really enough, was it? Not in your eyes.
I won’t spend hours putting on makeup and doing my hair to make you think I’m beautiful. I won’t keep my mouth shut when I have something to say so you’ll think I’m polite. I won’t smile and pretend that everything is okay when my whole world is crashing down around me. I won’t feign strength when I’m trembling so hard I can’t even breathe.
I’m sorry that I’m not what you wanted me to be. I’m sorry that I’m not who you wanted me to be. I’m sorry I don’t match the ideas, or fit the mold, that you had in mind for all that I should be.
Wait. No. To hell with that!
I’m not sorry! I did not fail you. I’ve done nothing wrong here! What the hell do I have to apologize for? To feel guilty for? You have failed me. You are responsible for the sadness, depression, self-loathing, and years of torment. But please don’t waste my time with a half-hearted, half-assed apology. And don’t bother trying to sound your disagreements on these deaf ears. I will never again waste an ounce of my precious energy on any of it, from any of you.
My life is mine now. I will smile when I am happy, and never again to fight back tears. I will love with every joule of passion that exists within me, and not question the fact that I deserve the same in return. I will be unedited, unabridged, uncovered, and unafraid of your perceptions.
If you can’t handle the way I live my life, then please, by all means, get the hell out of it. I promise not to lose any more sleep over you.
<3
